Freedom, Civilization, Humanity—Something To Die For

Faust sunset

Because I Know I Am Alive So God Can Be Free—I Cry, Because I Know That The “Spirit Of Freedom” Is More Important Than Life Itself—I Cry, I Cry Because I Can’t Hold It In Any Longer


Aug. 26, ‘82

I’m in a highly charged emotional state. I’m in my parent’s house, but they are both working.

I was drinking coffee when I flicked on the TV. The morning movie was an old Errol Flynn movie entitled Uncertain Glory. Immediately, I became wrapped up in the complexity of the French underground movement as it fought for a free France during the German occupation of WWII. Freedom is indeed worth fighting for, and dying for if need be, but not because it allows us to pursue and satisfy our desires, but rather, because existence, human existence, is the result of its evolution. Freedom is about awareness, growth and, ultimately, bringing the divine into realization. Freedom moves freedom forward through the liberation of humanity and civilization. At the end of the movie, when the “cad,” Flynn, made the ultimate sacrifice (faced the Nazi firing squad to save 100 innocents), I began to cry uncontrollably. I cried for the “preservation of the good” in the face all the violence, pain, and despair in the world. I cried for the “spirit of freedom.”

Whenever I experience something profoundly meaningful, like what happened to me after that movie, I get scared as hell. Every time I see something in a new light, with understanding, it scares the hell out of me. What am I supposed to do? Who am I to tell another person what ought to be believed, what ought to be done? I’m just like them; pleasure drives us all. And besides, I lack the will for that kind of thing, not to mention the ability–so why me? Sure, I believe I see things that other people do not see, but I don’t understand this. I’m frightened! I do not know how to respond. But I do know that this lump in my throat is very painful, and these knots in my stomach are very tight. My psyche is not strong, never was, yet life, for me, is so full of meaning that I am overflowing to bursting. What can I do? What should I do? Why am I so tormented? Perhaps I will write another page, and then another, and then another, until this emotional rage subsides; or, perhaps, I will take the “show on the road,” and speak the words that I know and believe. Why am I so uncertain? Whatever my future holds, I know it will be different. I feel I am about to embark on a destination-free journey, but not on this day, — not today! Today I lack the strength and conviction. Today, I can only cry. And why? Because, inside, I know God is free. Inside, I know that my death is a gift, a gift of divinity, the God-given gift of freedom. Inside, I know the “spirit of freedom” is more important than life itself. I know that the eternal question–“Why?”—is itself the answer to the question “why.” I know that there is equivalence among time, reason, and freedom. I know that God’s conscious freedom—human freedom– liberates divinity, and I know, contrary to what is written in Genesis, and in Heidegger too, that meaning’s origin is not found in “guilt.” Rather, it is found in God, in freedom—in God’s freedom.

And so it goes–with this writing I have worked myself back into a calm, but a calm that waits to be broken again and again. On the lighter side, I have been in Houghton Lake for a few days, and tomorrow I will ride my bicycle home to my apartment. I have fine-tuned my home to satisfy my needs and desires, and there I will pick up my creative work– guitar, painting, writing, meditation, and hopefully, my release, conversation.

Aug. 28

Well this is it, the end and all of that jazz. I suppose it’s time for a few reflections on the meaning of this trip. I have already mentioned that the success of this trip can be attributed to the good weather, but I would also like to give some credit to an even more general source, my value system. It didn’t come easy. I had to survive first. That is remarkable in itself, but more than that, now I have an answer to what lies embedded at the heart of what it means to be alive and think. Being in touch with that knowledge allows me to optimally participate in life’s blessings. I am more alive now than ever before. I am incredibly fortunate, and I know it! I am 34 years old, and I have brought to life my Castalian dream, albeit a different one, perhaps, than the one Hermann Hesse envisioned in his book, Magister Ludi, but I don’t think he would disapprove of the changes. Home never felt so good!

For me, there’s still a great deal to be accomplished. As for tomorrow, and whether my efforts will bear fruit, time will tell. I am already engaged in bringing my ideas to light, but it is a slow process. Failure is certainly a possibility. My optimism, though, is based in what I believe to be real—the meaning contained in this symbolism: (((x/y) –(x/y)) (–(x/y) (x/y)))


2 Responses to “Freedom, Civilization, Humanity—Something To Die For”

  1. Mèo Lười Việt Says:

    Your last symbolism is so complicated. But congratulations! When you realise st you have never thought of before, that means you go up to higher level in awareness. Tomorrow I will type st that may be useful for you. Now it’s quite late here, 11pm, so I have to go to bed! 😀

  2. bwinwnbwi Says:

    Even I’m impressed with the above passage–it’s been a very long time since I’ve read it. All I can say, in retrospect, is yes I did try (for years) to communicate the awareness that motivated me to write the above, but, eventually, I just gave up.You could say that the meaning of the above has been my life-safer for all these years–it inspired me to get married, have kids, love life, and die with a smile on my face. Maybe I can’t communicate it to others, but it sure has given me back my life–a very good life! Thanks for the comment! Take care.

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